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A trusted friend had suggested Destin could help me through my struggle with sexual stamina and performance, and in the process build up my self-confidence. My relationship with my wife, Eve, had stagnated. We were on the verge of divorce.
Now, six months later, did I get what I was looking for? In short: Yes, and my sexual “performance” was only the starting place on my path to finding the passion and purpose I’d been missing my entire life, despite being “successful” on paper. I had met all the criteria society set for having a fulfilling life, yet I remained unhappy.
Here’s some of how my journey with Destin unfolded:
To begin to address the issues I came to him with, I explored what Destin calls “Sexual Self- Mastery.” I learned about sound, breath, movement and visualization to gain both greater control and more pleasure. I learned through experience that my pleasure is not dependent on a partner, that I wasn’t bound by another’s participation or lack thereof. It wasn’t all about my wife and our haphazard sex life. My sexual power shifted to come from ME. I had been frustrated by her ‘control’, as I perceived it, and the lack of sex we were having. I was in a mindset of sexual scarcity. Meanwhile, my wife was triggered by my expectations which seemed to trigger her into relating to me as a predator.
The situation I found myself in was challenging, to say the least, and drawing my wife into the process was pivotal for both of us.
Under Destin’s guidance, I made a bucket list of 100 dreams, fantasies, experiences, and adventures that I want to experience in my life. The longest list was the ‘sexual adventures.’ This brought my wife into the process. In conversation with her about my list, it became clear that we both craved sexual adventure, a topic long-suppressed in our relationship.
The next few months brought incredible changes. First, in Costa Rica, Destin and I started to cross things off the list of 100. We had epic outdoor adventures such as rappelling down waterfalls, rock climbing, and cliff jumping. Then we brought my wife into the process, and our relationship was cracked wide open, into both beauty and shadow. I was asked to step into uncomfortable conversations that I didn’t realize were going to be uncomfortable. I did not see how repressed I was. Eve was challenged to do the same, to speak her truth and acknowledge the trauma she carried and how it was affecting our relationship.
Brought to this edge, I was asked, was I fully in this relationship? Or when shit hit the fan was I going to be out of there?
With some hesitancy, I committed to being all in on the relationship, at least until the end of our work together, recognizing that if nothing changed, or I felt the same ambivalence, then at least I would have tried. Then getting out would be done with awareness and understanding.
With Destin’s guidance, Eve and I began talking about our relationship much more intimately, making sexploration a commitment, and recognizing that all of our respective travels had created so much of the disconnect that brought us into this work in the first place.
Following our time in Costa Rica, I came to San Diego to work with Destin and a team of colleagues he had arranged for me. I released stories and ‘energies’ that don’t belong to me or aren’t for my highest good. I released the voices of my Dad, my ex-wife, Eve, and all my stories of inadequacy, abandonment, and the need to be needed. I was led to rewrite the story and affirm who I am NOW. This work was further grounded in our coaching work together with the addition of Destin’s partner, Elie, who would become an integral part of our work.
In an unexpected turn of events, I ended up in Toronto for 5 weeks supporting my daughters as they went through the final days of their mother’s illness, her passing and funeral. I was aware of two things happening through this event: Firstly, that life is too short to get caught up in anger and frustration, in not living fully in what is important to me, and not giving a fuck whether anyone likes it or not. This is my life. Secondly, I became aware of how I have held frustrations and anger in my body, and how the body speaks to me when I’m angry or frustrated, signaling to me that something needs to be spoken. I saw this clearly while meeting with my family and people from my past at the funeral. I realized that I had changed. I was integrating all our work into becoming present to who I am, and not taking anything personally. I was feeling in my body my reactions and emotions which inform my actions and behavior, I was learning to listen and not shut down.
Eve then traveled to San Diego herself and began her own work with Destin, Elie, and their colleagues. She was immediately affected by the process, releasing traumas, stories and coming into ownership of her body and pleasure. She shifted radically, born anew in her power and purpose.
She brought this energy into our relationship and everything seemed to change between us. I was able to be in support of her movement for her sake, without the fear of what might happen with this newly found liberation (very different than how it would have been for me in the past). I was able to freely express my feelings, both the excitement and the fear, to talk without shame or embarrassment. Eve wanted to be with me, to create intimacy and go further, for me to be part of her new awarenesses. ‘ Eve and I got together on a sexploration date and had a completely different experience, not the same old pattern sex, we changed things up, slowing down and playing. This was so different from all of the pressure that I used to feel.
This led to Eve and I coming together to celebrate the changes that have taken place over the past months. We were invited into Destin’s home and playroom for a joint session. Working together, Destin and Elie created the space for us to explore what we’d learned in our individual journeys with them. We opened to each other in ways that surpassed all of our prior intimacy, held in the utmost care by this beautiful couple. After our night at Destin’s home we continued our sexploration practice, and I was able pleasure her in ways I never imagined, with more stamina, confidence and playfulness than ever, over several hours of intense lovemaking.
My life has changed. I am a different man today than the man I was six months ago. I have learned that there’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about in my life and what I want to experience sexually and otherwise. I feel good about the man that I am, I strive to live in integrity and when I falter, to clear up the mess when I’m out of integrity. I am communicating my feelings, bringing up what’s triggering me so to work through it quickly and not hold on to resentment or anger or confusion. I am becoming clear about my sexual desires and talking to my wife openly about them. I am learning not to take things personally. I am the river banks to my woman’s flow, whether it’s stormy rapids or gentle stillness (and everything in between). I’m meeting her feminine with my masculine. I am getting to know Eve at a deeper intimate level, to feel her essence, especially now as she opens up more to her own pleasure and purpose. We are exploring each other and talking about inviting another woman into our play. We’ve opened up conversation about boundaries. More and more conversation and communication, no shame or embarrassment.
As I shift from scarcity to abundance, from insecurity and shut down to confidence and communication, from victim to opportunity, I am noticing that the focus of my being is also shifting. When I’m not caught up in the stories of my inadequacy I have room for more productive and creative pursuits. The world of possibilities is opening up in front of me. I am exploring next steps, creatively and sexually. I want to continue to explore sexual edges, I want to take the best care of my body as I can, and I want to have fun doing what I love – making things, being creative, and exploring my writing, coaching and service initiatives.
Before we began our work, my life lacked passion, purpose, confidence, commitment, self-trust, and fun. I can now say with certainty that I have all of these. My relationship with my wife is stronger than it has ever been. I will be forever grateful that I had the courage to say “yes” to this adventure with Destin.