#metoo and how #sexualtrauma has shaped my work and my life…
She was raped on her 15th birthday. Three months before we met. I ended up being the first person that she told. 16.5 years old, I was not exactly emotionally equipped to handle this.
I felt every emotion I could think of in those moments. Most strongest would be rage. Anger. I would get these flashes of this imagery of throwing this unnamed invisible boy against the wall and hammering nails into his testicles one by one.
We went on to have a multi year relationship with one another and that rape was ever present. Emotionally: As deep and intimate as we got it always seems like there was something there between us. Physically, I can’t tell you the number of times I spent 2am sitting on the bathroom floor holding her hand while she was on the toilet screaming in pain from near constant UTIs and bladder infections.
I took on a message somewhere in this time period that men are dangerous. Especially men’s sexuality. I made a declaration at some point around 18 years old that I was going to do everything that I can with this life to help create a world where things like this didn’t happen anymore.
Little did I know though that what I was… I don’t talk about this publicly a whole lot, I had a number of experiences in a row, it’s like it opened up a pandora’s box where suddenly this is what I started to attract in my life. Throughout college, I seemed to be the one that women would come to and share their stories of sexual assault and abuse to. And I further took on this message that men are dangerous. Over time I started disconnecting more and more from other men. My life started to be filled with women: my friends, my girlfriends, my bosses, my roommates, all were women as I further and further began to separate myself from other men.
It took another 10 years for me to realize that something was really out of balance inside of me. That I had come to disconnect from my own masculinity and my own sense of being a man, because that is bad, its wrong, it’s what’s causing the big problems of the world. I don’t want to be that.
The gift that came through all that is that I got very in touch with my own feminine. She, the feminine within me, has brought incredible gifts into my life. The deep limitless well of compassion and empathy that I seem to have, my incredible sensitivity to be able to feel what is going on in other people. Along with that I was feeling the weight of the world, the pain of the world, and a strong sense of responsibility to do everything that I can to ease that pain and suffering.
So, I ended up in yet another relationship with a woman who had suffered multiple instances of sexual trauma, as has pretty much every woman that I’ve ever been with. And once more, what I can do? What can I do to make you happy? What can I do to ease that pain? And I bend over backwards, giving up more and more parts of myself in the process to just try to make you feel safe, to make you feel happy, to make everything ok. But it was always there, and it would just explode in another problem in some way. As I took it on as, what’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? This is just another sign of what’s wrong with me, and how I’m not enough. And if I just figure this out, if I just figure out HOW TO BE THE RIGHT KIND OF MAN FOR YOU.
I could make it all ok.
But yet another relationship where I didn’t figure it out soon enough. Where the rollercoaster of our incredible love and beauty and depth and intimacy and connection and pleasure that we experience together in one moment, can just be met by the next moment of CRASHing down and blowing up into problems and conflict and pain and suffering.
I can’t tell you how many times I experienced this same relationship with a different woman. The pain and suffering was so intense that… combined with the depth of the love that I had, that I would do *anything* to understand this. To understand what I can do to be that man. And what I can do to change the culture of men.
So I did. I put in countless hours. Countless trainings and traveling around the world and learning from experts and masters in fields around sexuality and energetics and spirituality, and masculine/feminine dynamics. And all the stuff that very few people even have an understanding that these things exist let alone go to the depths that I did. What originally was just how can I help women, how can I help heal this pain, this trauma they’re holding. And ultimately realizing that I was simply dealing with symptoms. The problem is rooted in men. The problem is rooted in the culture of men. The problem is rooted in these ideas that we are raised to believe of what it means to be a man. And that if we really want to change these things, that’s where we need to bring our attention: how do we shift that culture. And how do we shift that culture in a way that’s not just: This is what’s wrong with you. This is what’s wrong with men in the world. I took on that message that men and masculinity was wrong and it just fucked me up. That’s not the solution. We need an alternate model. An alternate model of a more evolved masculinity. That can inspire us with possibility. That can draw us into being more of what we are capable of being. Honestly what we are probably truly meant to be.
Quite simply, that’s why I do what I do. Join me. Be the role model that you wished you had. Take a stand and be a voice. And right now, more than anything, be a space of safety and just listen to the women in your life…
Posted by Destin Gerek on Friday, October 20, 2017